Mastering important discussions is about mastering the ability to keep an open productive dialogue. Each conversation has a certain dynamics and power pull within the group having the crucial conversation.
Why are certain people more effective than others at having a productive dialogue and successful crucial conversation? It is the power of dialogue.
Skilled people find a way to open and honestly express their opinions, share their feelings, and articulate their theories. Successful conversations involve a free flow of relevant information, even when controversial or unpopular ideas or topics are on the agenda.
I am going to give you the framework of the Crucial Conversation, The principles are based on the book, Crucial Conversations: Tools for Talking when Stakes are High by New York Times bestselling authors Kerry Patterson, Joseph Grenny, Ron McMillian, and Al Switzler. The book changed my life and helped me to better understand myself during conversations. I am using the concepts from this book to help explain conversation framework.
In this blog post:
Deconstructing the Conversation Framework
1) Get Unstuck
2) Start with the Heart
3) Learn to Look
4) Make it Safe
5) Master your Stories
6) S.T.A.T.E. your Path
7) Explore others’ Path
8) Move to Action
Each piece of the framework can be learned and mastered in a focused effort. The most benefit will be realized when you put them all together. As you master these skills, you will be able to draw on any single element as needed for any given situation.
These principles will help guide us as we continue to have productive dialogue. I hope you will stick around for more. Now Let's begin.
1. Get Unstuck
At the heart of most chronic problems in our life is a crucial conversation that we are either not holding or not holding well. The skill of effective people is the capacity to skillfully address emotionally and politically risky issues.
How to spot the conversations that are keeping you from what you want. When you find yourself stuck, there is a crucial conversation that you are avoiding or one that you are messing up.
1. Identify where you are stuck.
2. Unbundle with CPR – Content, Pattern, Relationship.
Consider the content as the single instance of a problem.
Consider the pattern of behavior over time.
Reflect on how the problem is affecting your relationship.
“The bottom line is this: if you don’t talk it out, you will act it out” -Joseph Grenny
My Crucial Journey (continued)
I am terrible at important personal conversations and so, I avoid them for as long as I can. I find myself continually changing topics. It is because there is a crucial conversation that I need to have. I do this because it always ends in hurt feelings, anger, or misunderstood intentions.
2. Start with the Heart
Stay focused on what you really want. If you can’t get yourself right, you will have a hard time getting a dialogue with others right.
You do not want to resort to negative forms of communication – silent treatment, manipulation, debate, so on.
Begin high-risk discussions with the right motives and stay focused no matter what happens. Maintain focus by remembering what you really want. You also want to avoid making the Fool’s Choice.
Step away from the interaction and look at yourself. Ask, “What am I doing? What does it say about my underlying motive?” If you see shifting desires of you heart – you can make conscious choices to change them.
But how do you recognize that happening, stop yourself playing games, and then influence your own motives? Great question!
In crucial conversations, keep asking yourself these questions:
1. What do I really want for -myself, -others, -this relationship, then
2. How would I behave if I really wanted these results?
My Crucial Journey (continued)
The way I stay focused on what I want, is that I write notes before going into a conversation. I know that I get emotional, and I may forget certain points. When I have notes, it allows me to better remain calm and refer to what I have prepared.
I take time to focus my intention by writing down, first a problem statement. Next, I include supporting thoughts and facts. I put as much on paper as possible because I know that when I get emotional, much of my rational thought flies out of my head.
3. Learn to Look
How to notice when safety is at risk. Watch for three conditions:
1. When the conversation turns crucial – by physical, emotional, or behavioral signals.
2. Signs that people don’t feel safe when a person responds with silence or violence (aggression), it may be because they do not feel safe.
· Signs of Silence include
Masking – sarcasm, sugarcoating, or understating
Avoiding – change the topic
Withdrawing – stop talking, or leave the room
· Signs of Violence (aggression) include
Controlling – cutting off, overstating, speaking in absolutes
Labeling – calling names to belittle
Attacking – verbally threatening
3. Watch for these behaviors in yourself. Pay attention to how others react to you. If they react negatively, consider how you are behaving and if it may be prompting those responses.
Know you style under stress. How do you behave under stress?
My Crucial Journey (continued)
'Learn to Look' has been the most challenging for me to learn and continues to be every day. As an aggressive and often loud orator, it is easy for me to ignore how the other people in the conversation are reacting to me and my words.
In the past, I was too self-involved in what I wanted to pay attention to anyone else. I had my idea or product and that was it – no one was going to change my mind or get me to see reason.
4. Make It Safe
How to make it safe to talk about almost anything when someone resorts to silence or violence.
1. Step out of the conversation - when productive dialogue is not occurring, take a pause to get back on the right track.
2. Look at mutual purpose – as needed, take time to recenter the group on the purpose of meeting or conversation. Make sure you are all working toward the same goal and if not, try to get back to a place where everyone agrees.
3. Look at mutual respect – does each person in the group feel like they can speak their mind without being ridiculed or ignored? Respect is essential for open productive dialogue.
4. Apologize as needed – be humble for any slight you may have caused.
5. Fix misunderstandings before moving on.
6. Create Mutual Purpose
Commit to seek a mutual purpose together
Recognize the purpose behind the strategy
Invent a new mutual purpose if needed
Brainstorm strategies
My Crucial Journey (continued)
I learned that other’s ideas and opinions did add value. I saw that I needed to change my ways if I hoped to be successful. I suffered through many failed attempts at properly noticing behaviors of silence of violence in others or myself before the conversation was ruined I grew more adept at watching for conditions when a normal conversation turns crucial.
Through trial and error, I was able to notice the signs of safety problems. If everyone does not feel comfortable to speak their mind – you are not having a crucial conversation. I look for silence or violence (moving forward) that is when I know to take a break or a deep breath. If we continue the conversation when anyone is in duress, it will not go well for both sides.
When or if I see safety risks (people not talking or getting aggressive), I know it is time to pause and step out of the conversation. I know that I have to work to get it back to a safe place to say anything.
At the pause I have to figure out if we have lost mutual respect or mutual purpose.
Apologize for any slight or rudeness or misunderstanding
Use contrasting to fix misunderstanding, using don’t/do statements
Find mutual purpose, a shared goal. I will pull myself back and ask the group to re-focus on a common outcome. I will ask questions and try to get a response from everyone. Are we all getting to the same place?
Find mutual respect. Respect is a touchy concept, and the instant people perceive disrespect in a conversation – the interaction will turn to defending one’s dignity or pride over the issue at hand. I work hard to not be insulting to anyone. I will not attack anyone’s character or person.
If someone throws an insult at me, I try to let it slide and work towards getting back to safety. You can’t have a crucial conversation if all parties can’t be respectful to each other.
5. Master Your Stories
How to stay in dialogue when you are angry, scared or hurt (i.e., emotional).
If strong emotions are keeping you stuck in silence or violence, try the following:
Retrace your path
1. Reflect on your behavior. Are you responding with silence or violence?
2. Get in touch with your feelings. What emotions are you having?
3. Analyze your stories.
Question your own conclusions.
Look for possible explanations.
What story is creating your emotions.
4. Get back to the facts.
Separate the facts (what you see and hear) from your story (conclusions and interpretations you make).
What evidence does or does not support your story?
Beware of the following Story “Traps” or Clever Stories:
1. Victim – “It’s not my fault”
2. Villain – “It’s all your fault”
3. Helpless – “Nothing else I can do”
Don’t avoid accepting responsibility for your own actions and feelings.
5. Tell the rest of the story.
Ask the following:
Am I pretending not to notice my role in the problem?
Why would a reasonable person do this?
What do I really want?
What would I do if I wanted these results to move toward what I want?
My Crucial Journey (continued)
I learned through practice to stay in dialogue even when I get emotional. I know that I am the one who controls my emotions and my reactions. I have to work hard on controlling by reactions. When I notice my behavior is changing due to my shift in emotions, I know that I need to identify why I’m feeling this – what in the conversation has me so bothered.
Then I analyze my story. Based on the participants inputs, I will question my conclusions and look for other possible explanations behind my story.
I get back to the facts and remind myself to remove any opinion from my story. I remind myself never to allow the victim, villain, or helpless to come in. I have learned to always be open to others’ ideas and arguments.
6. S.T.A.T.E. Your Path
Speak persuasively, not abrasively. When you have a tough message to share or a hot button/highly sensitive or emotional discussion to have or when you are so convinced of your own rightness that must push forward, be totally frank and completely respectful and STATE your path.
1. Share your facts – state what you see and hear without interpretation.
2. Tell your story – explain what your conclusions and interpretations.
3. Ask for others’ paths – encourage others to share their facts, stories, and feelings.
4. Talk tentatively – state as a story (how you interpret), not fact; leave room for others to clarify.
5. Encourage testing – invite opposing views; play ‘devil’s advocate’.
If you start with the facts and are tentative and encouraging to others’ points of view, you can be both totally candid and totally respectful.
My Crucial Journey (continued)
When I know I have a tough message to share, I use STATE to explain my path.
I share facts over my opinions. I tell my story explaining from the where I am coming from. I encourage others in the conversation to explain their story and their path. I remember to be candid with what are my facts and stories. I encourage others in the conversation by keeping it safe for others to express differing views.
I always have facts backed up by the source. I will explain my problem statement or plan of action that led me to what I am discussing.
Once I have explained myself and what I am about, I ask others what their thoughts are and if they would change anything. If there is anything I don’t understand or agree with, I will ask questions.
Again, I have learned the hard way to keep a respectful demeanor during disagreements and I’m always asking for honest talk. I try to maintain dialogue even when there are continued opposing views.
7. Explore Others' Path
How to listen when others blow up or clam up.
“One of the best ways to persuade others is with your ears - by listening with them” -Dean Rusk
1. Invite them to share and be sincere about it.
2. Make it safe for them to express their stories, be curious.
3. Avoid overreacting to others’ stories and stay curious. Ask yourself, “Why would a reasonable, rational, and decent person say this?”
4. Emotions are likely to be running high, so be patient.
Inquiry skills – encourage others to share their path, use listening tools.
1. Ask, to get things rolling
2. Mirror, to confirm feelings
3. Paraphrase, to acknowledge the story
4. Prime, when you’re getting nowhere
Prime? – offer your best guess at what the other is thinking or feeling
But...But what if they are wrong?
1. Agree – start with an area of agreement.
2. Build – then add elements that were left out.
3. Compare – your path with the other person’s path when they differ.
My Crucial Journey (continued)
This is one that I really learned recently. I think to really get this one, you have to be open to hear what the other person is saying, even when it is not something you like. I must remember I have a story and reasons why I do what I do and so does everyone else. I am willing to take the time to consider the other side.
I have found that collaboration yields much better results than my solo work. Also, diverse viewpoints are so valuable that I actively seek others who are different from me. I listen to others’ paths, and this has helped me create products, be a better team player, and evaluate how I treat people. Listening to others has helped me to become more self-aware and self-critical. It has opened my eyes to a world of racism and barely hidden hatred.
8. Move to Action
Turn crucial conversations into actions and results.
“To do nothing is in every man’s power” -Samuel Johnson
Decide How to Decide
1. Command – Leader decides without involving others
2. Consult – Subset decides with input from the group
3. Vote – Everyone has a vote, and the highest percent is decided
4. Consensus – Everyone agrees
Finish clearly with who will do what by when. Avoid violated expectation and inaction.
My Crucial Journey (continued)
I have found that after having a difficult but hopefully fruitful conversation, it is vital to come away with a commitment to do something. If this doesn’t happen, the opportunity has been wasted.
I have found getting commitments, especially after particularly arduous and opinionated conversations, is a rather difficult task. It is almost its very own crucial conversation. Someone must take charge and make sure the group agrees on actions going forward.
Usually in a crucial conversation where you are trying to get a group to come together, agree on something and then commit to actions.
If you are interested in more details in the crucial conversations' material specifically, you can find more information at CrucialLearning.com.
Reference: Crucial Conversation, The principles are based on the book, Crucial Conversations: Tools for Talking when Stakes are High by New York Times bestselling authors Kerry Patterson, Joseph Grenny, Ron McMillian, and Al Switzler.
What crucial conversations are you not having or are messing up? Leave a comment
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