Adult bullying is actually fairly common, but it doesn't make its way into our conversations as frequently as youth bullying. There are also more online resources when it comes to childhood bullying.
Adult bullying is often meaner and more masked, the person being bullied carries shame and self-doubt. They may be wondering if it’s all "in their head" or if they are misinterpreting what is happening. The person getting bullied may be worried about real-life outcomes that can have devastating effects (loss of job, relationships, or reputation).
Adult bullying happens, and not infrequently. It’s more insidious and passive-aggressive than childhood bullying, because adults are, well…more complex and crueler in how they attack others.
Bullying behavior is everywhere. Bullying is perpetuated by people in high-ranking positions, by people. It’s executed by people claiming to want to help you and build you up. There is often a power dynamic - but there doesn’t need to be. And the recipient of the bullying often feels very much alone, carrying big shame on top of all the other costs of getting bullied.
Ways Adults Bully Each Other
A bully can be an aggressive juvenile, an intimidating boss or colleague, a controlling romantic partner, an unruly neighbor, a high-pressure sales/business representative, a condescending family member, a shaming social acquaintance, or those in a variety of other types of abusive relationships.
A bully may utilize one or more of the following methods to inflict harm, while deriving pleasure from the suffering of the victim.
1. Physical bullying.
Physical intimidation, threat and/or harm. Examples of physical bullying include physical attack, simulated violence (such as raising a fist as if to strike, or throwing objects near a person), personal space violation, physical space entrapment, physical size domination, and numerical domination (ganging up on a victim).
2. Tangible/material bullying.
Using one’s formal power (i.e. title or position) or material leverage (i.e. financial, informational, or legal) as forms of intimidation, threat and/or harm. In these scenarios, the bully uses his or her advantage in stature and/or resources to dominate and control the victim.
3. Verbal bullying.
Threats; shaming; hostile teasing; insults; constant negative judgment and criticism; or racist, sexist, or homophobic language.
4. Passive-aggressive or covert bullying.
This is less frequently mentioned form of bullying, but in some ways it's the most insidious. Most bullies, make their intimidating presence known quickly. A passive-aggressive or covert bully, however, behaves appropriately on the surface, but takes you down with subtlety.
Examples of passive-aggressive and covert bullying include negative gossip, negative joking at someone’s expense, sarcasm, condescending eye contact, facial expression or gestures, mimicking to ridicule, deliberately causing embarrassment and insecurity, the invisible treatment, social exclusion, professional isolation, and deliberately sabotaging someone’s well-being, happiness, and success.
What To Do If You Are Being Bullied
If you find yourself in the position of being bullied as an adult, here are some ideas that might be useful to help you ride, and ultimately thrive and grow from, this very difficult experience. The following are some strategies you might want to try to help yourself if you are being bullied:
1. Take a stand. Speak up using calm and assertive techniques.
You can also speak to a supervisor who can help if you need support.
Bullies find their strength and power in fear. If you let your fear or shame show, this gives more fodder for the bully’s fire.
2. Document everything.
Save emails, screenshot messages on social media, and write down incidents that occur. This will help you if the bullying persists and you need more support down the line.
3. Use your social support. Talk about the situation in the way that best helps you.
Talking about it enables you to receive emotional support, and it can help you gain perspective. Reach out to people you trust. These people can offer you reassurance and advice and remind you that this bullying incident is just one small facet of your life. If you don’t talk about it, you may be reinforcing your belief that there is something wrong or shameful about you.
4. Validate your experience.
Because adult bullying is sneakier you may find yourself not fully acknowledging the extreme hurt of the situation. Try asking yourself this question—if a friend came to you with this exact problem, how would you respond? Turn that empathy inward. Validate the awfulness of what it feels like to be bullied. You’re not making it up, your feelings are justified and reflect that you are going through something real and hard.
5. Set clear boundaries.
Physical boundaries are those concrete boundaries where you decide how often and in what circumstance you will have contact with the bully. Unfriend or block the bully on social media if you can. Decide what events you will participate in, and how.
Emotional boundaries are not receiving the emotional baggage the bully is wanting to offload onto you. Send those feelings back into the hands of the person doing the bullying. Life quickly becomes exhausting when we hold emotional baggage that is not ours to claim.
6. Practice compassion.
Hurt people hurt people. People who bully often have had their share of trauma. Maybe imagining them as a little child. This can help evoke feelings of compassion.
Bullies pick on those whom they perceive as weaker.
As long as you remain passive and compliant, you make yourself a target.
Many bullies are also cowards: When their victims begin to show backbone and stand up for their rights, a bully will often back down. This is true in schoolyards, as well as in domestic and office environments.
When confronting bullies, be sure to place yourself in a position where you can safely protect yourself, whether it’s standing tall on your own, having other people present as witnesses and support, or keeping a paper trail of the bully’s inappropriate behavior.
In cases of physical, verbal, or emotional abuse, consult with counseling, legal representation, law enforcement, or administrative professionals.
It’s important to stand up to bullies—and you don’t have to do it alone.
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