I get stressed when I have to speak in front of a group of people. Even if I have given a presentation a dozen times or I know the group of people I am presenting to, I always get stressed out beforehand.
There are certain co-workers that have such different working styles from my own, that whenever I have to work and talk with them, I get very stressed. I have learned to identify these situations and I try to make a plan ahead of time.
We encounter many stressful situations throughout our life. Asking the boss for a raise. Explaining to a co-worker why their report needs work. Breaking up with someone. Talking to someone about money. Discussing placing an aging parent in a retirement home. These are just a few examples of the stressful situations we will find ourselves navigating. If you try to avoid those situations, you will be less prepared to handle them when they inevitably happen. Avoiding situations that cause you stress will only make them more difficult to handle.
Are you avoiding them because you struggle to keep your emotions under control when an argument breaks out? Do you wish you could stay calm and talk things through, instead? Well, with practice and planning you can get to that…in most situations.
Ways to stay calm in a stressful situation
1. Controlled breathing - when your body registers stress, it spirals into a fight or flight mode. The result of that is most of your blood flowing away from your brain and towards your adrenal system.
Taking deep breaths is a great way to keep your cool. When you feel yourself getting upset, take one or two deep breaths.
2. Control your voice level – raised voices is an escalation and often upsets all parties. Once you start a shouting match, it is going to make the other person just as upset as you are. The worst kind of arguments is the ones where you are both so blind to reason that nothing actually gets solved.
After those deep breaths, continue your conversation in a calm voice at normal volume. If you cannot do this, then you need to continue taking deep breaths.
3. Try some humor. Humor works in some cases; it can diffuse a heated situation. When you realize that the situation is headed in the wrong direction, you can try lightening the mood by making a joke. In the right case and with the right joke, humor can really diffuse a heated situation.
You could say, “I think I put my foot in my mouth, I said something wrong…”
4. Be honest with yourself – acknowledge your flaws and how it affects you. What really got you to this point? Was it something you said? Are you trying to push your idea too much? Are you acting rude and condescending which could be triggering a negative response?
If warranted, acknowledge your misstep in the situation, and ask for their input.
5. Adress the issues only. Try not to feel personally attacked and don’t attack other people. It is easy to let your emotions get the best of you, if you are not aware that they can. Saying hurtful things to another will likely end any real discussion you are having and turn it into debasing each other.
The quickest way to end or devolve a dialogue is to start attacking the person. Avoid that at all costs or the mutual trust will be gone and any kind of meaningful progress you achieved will be gone.
6. Use Reflective Listening - Don’t assume, wait for an explanation. Reflective listening involves genuinely paying attention to another person’s words, feelings and nonverbal expressions in an attempt to understand where they’re coming from. When engaged in reflective listening, don’t interrupt the other person. Instead, offer brief forms of acknowledgement, such as “m-hmm,” “go on,” or even just a simple head nod to show you are actively listening.
When the other party is speaking, use reflective listening to hear what they are saying. Really consider their side of the argument before you give your ‘rebuttal’.
7. Consider the Consequences - Consider how much you value the person versus how much you value your position on a given matter. If this argument continues and heads in a more negative direction, is it worth sacrificing the stability of your relationship with this person in order to vocalize your viewpoints and attempt to win them over? Often, it is ok to disagree.
Remember, the above steps require practice and planning. For those situations you know you have stress or anxiety over, plan and practice the steps above before and even after those situations.
Will it ever get any easier?
Confrontational situations are not comfortable for anyone, no matter what they say. But conflict is part of life and learning control your stress level during these situations will help them get easier to handle over time. Remember not to shy away from conflict. It is a vital part of all relationships, personal and professional.
If you suffer from conflict anxiety, then try to prepare yourself well ahead of time and be ready to remove yourself from the situation when you find yourself getting too upset to think clearly. Pay attention to your breathing, slow it down and try to rein in those feelings.
Final Thoughts
Over the years I have found multiple ways to prepare and cope with my pre-public speaking jitters. Even though I am freaking out and nervous, most people tell me that I speak very well to an audience. Go figure. I find it is always better to prepare.
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