Are you avoiding one? I am...
Most of us are likely avoiding having an important talk with a partner, boss, child, or friend. This is because it probably involves a touchy subject, one where you know someone will get upset or disagree. And you know that the talk will likely end with no resolution but hurt feelings and hot tempers.
That is where the skills in crucial conversations are important.
So, what is a crucial conversation?
According to the authors of Crucial Conversations: Tools for Talking when Stakes are High, a crucial conversation is a discussion between two or more people where,
1) stakes are high,
2) opinions vary, and
3) emotions run strong.
It is a certainty that most people are avoiding at least one crucial conversation in life.
Ending a relationship, asking for a raise, critiquing a colleague’s work, dealing with a rebellious teen, resolving custody issues, or giving an unfavorable performance review – these are all examples of crucial conversations.
My Crucial Journey
As I present information about crucial conversations, I will also discuss my journey to ‘mastering’ crucial conversations. I have yet to actually master anything, but I am getting better with each crucial conversation.
After many years of poorly holding important conversations, I came to learn the value of trying to master crucial conversations. I was first introduced to the term “crucial conversations” when I signed up for a course at my work of the same name. Each participant was given a book, Crucial Conversations: Tools for Talking When Stakes are High, by New York Times bestselling authors Kerry Patterson, Joseph Grenny, Ron McMillian, and Al Switzler. This book changed my life. Not immediately and not in a huge one-time affect, but my eyes were opened to what I was doing that was harming my conversations. I was able to target my self-identified weak areas and make improvements over time.
On a different subject, I see the many problems and conflicts that are ongoing in this country. Opposing opinions by those on the left and right with emotions so high that rational dialogue has become next to impossible. I am a problem-solver by nature, so I am always thinking of ways to make ‘it’ better.
Fifty years have passed since the civil rights movement and although the Constitution was Amended, it seems like it is in words only. In a just and righteous world, our country would have a diverse government and we would be working to correct the wrongs that have been allowed over the centuries, to make a body of laws that are fair and equal and the people who are being taught about are our true and full history. None of this can happen if we are at odds with each other, if we cannot be bipartisan about anything, if one side is literally demonizing and straight lying about others.
I want to show a path to have civil dialogue among the opposing sides. I want to use the skills that I have learned in the crucial conversations.
Why Crucial Conversations Fail
The consequences of failing to have a crucial conversation or messing it up can be damaging, affecting every aspect of our life – relationships, careers, communities, even personal health. There is a way to learn how to step up to crucial conversations and handle them well, with one set of high-leverage skills that will allow you to influence just about every aspect of your life.
My Crucial Journey (continued)
In the past, my conversations turned crucial because my emotions ran high, and I would turn to ‘violence’ by raising my voice and arguing my point louder. I would cut people off and talk over them. I was way too aggressive in conversations and many people avoided having any discussion with me. I had a bad reputation.
Interactions ended with other person either just agreeing with my side of shutting up completely and getting away from me as fast as possible. A few instances ended in shouting matches with nothing decided.
After a lot of strife and dealing with this negative reputation, I was forced to re-evaluate how I was handling important discussions. I began to reflect on how I was behaving to understand that I was affecting my conversations. It was a long road and slow going.
I learned to recognize in myself when I began to get emotional, especially if I were deeply invested in what I was talking about. I learned to see when my aggressive behavior was making the environment no longer safe for others to speak their peace.
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